chasing shadows again

{February 3, 2008}   Sunday Morning Coffee and Secrets

When I am 40, I want to be here.

Right now I am 27, and terrified I will not have children before I am 30.

I have no real home at moment (do not misinterpret, I am living in a house!) and I am slowly coming to terms with the knowledge that I will not stumble upon a place to belong and will instead have to build one.

{January 2, 2008}   And…this is why….

….I love PostSecret!

{September 23, 2007}   Sunday Morning Coffee

It is Sunday morning.  I am thinking of using Sundays for gardening and coffee tasting and talking to you.  Sundays are of course also for Postsecret, which I am opening now.  I sort of enjoy lazing about on Sunday mornings.

Reading over the secrets this week is captivating.  There are so many this week that I could write about, or touch on.

However, because I know that some people will understand, I will simply draw your attention to this one.

And now I will go on to search for meatloaf recipes.  Meatloaf!

Today the coffee is Vanilla Latte by Hawaiian Isles Coffee Company.  I have not tried it yet, as it is still steaming menacingly  from its place beside the laptop.

Two hours later, the coffee is cold, but I can assure you that it was good.

While reading through the Postsecret website I showed my mother this postcard.  We talked about the site and I showed her my copy of the first Postsecret book.  [I will at some point have them all!  However, I am waiting until I am settled somewhere I will be living (or until I’m next at an exhibit – notes from Frank are awesome!)]  Then my sister wanted to see the book, so she read the book.  I told her she could write a secret in it.  She’s thinking about it.

I am in love with this postcard.  In love.

{August 21, 2007}   Meme

This meme is stolen from Dreamer.

1. Closest red thing to you?
Red on the DVD cover for Season 1 of Supernatural.
2. Has anyone ever cheated on you in a relationship?
All of my relationships for the last…seven years have been open relationships. Before that…I suspect perhaps one person.
3. Last thing to make you MAD!?
Everything makes me mad this week. Emo-puppy, was the last thing, when he jumped on me and caused the slamming of my thumb in a sliding glass door.
4. Are you a fan of romance?
Yes. Especially when I give out black roses for Valentine’s Day.
5. Have you ever been in love?
Yes. I fall in love as easily as the rain. I stay in love too. But it seems that I am not so easy to love or to stay with.
6. Do you have a temper?
Yes. Though I tend to sulk more than fight.

1. Closest orange thing to you?
The bits of newspaper that my bonsai tree tray was wrapped in have a lot of orange in them. Whole pages of Walmart ads.
2. Do you like to burn things?
Things is not descriptive enough.
3. Do you dress up for Halloween?
Yes. Some people thing my Halloween dress up doesn’t count (it is most often a new outfit and wings – but I look forward to Halloween every year. It is the one time I can justify spending money on clothes (and I’ve spent like…$400 on stuff for Halloween on years I also get boots – usually closer to $200).
4. Are you usually a warm-hearted person?
5. Do you prefer the single life or the security of a relationship?

Relationship. I am seriously not happy when single.
6. What would your superpower be?
Mmmmmmm…that question always makes me giggle now, after one of my friends answered with ‘the ability to make anyone, anywhere orgasm.’ He then proceeded to explain how he would not only use this power on hot girls at bars, but detailed his plan to use it to bring world peace. Mine, I’m afraid, is tamer – I go with Dreamer, healing.

1. Closest yellow thing to you?
The yellow chair that I can remember having in my houses forever. Not the one my brother and I covered in smiley-face stickers.
2. The happiest time[s] of your life?
God. Um. Fuck. I have no idea.
3. Favorite holiday?
Winter – which blurs into one big holiday for me. Halloween leads into it with some fun, some drinks, and a party or two. Thanksgiving is generally a pretty community affair – I love cooking for people, when I have a place, I’m hosting Halloween indefinitely. Indefinitely being until I’m dead. Then comes Christmas, which I love – cookies and gifts, you don’t have to believe Jesus is your savior to enjoy baking and shopping! And…New Year’s Eve finished that up with…well…a lot of booze and a lot of kisses to ring in the new year. And traditionally with at least one group of people, I wear lingerie. And heels. Valentine’s Day I’m actually kinda twitchy about – primarily because mine normally suck.
4. Are you a coward?
Oh god yes.
5. Do you burn or tan?
Mmmmmm…Joe’s affectionate nickname for me was vampire. You decide.
6. Do you want children?
7. What makes you feel warm and safe?
Ravyn. The sound of cats purring. Not having to be in control of anything.

1. Closest green thing to you?
Either the coconut smelling orchid, or Cleopatra (my juniper bonsai).
2. Do you care about the environment?
3. Are you jealous of anyone right now?
Mmmmmm…jealous of people who get snuggles…I am far from all of my snuggly peoples.
4. Are you a lucky person?
Yes. Very much so. I may not always be happy, but I am very lucky.
5. Do you always want what you can’t have?
Not always.
6. Think of six green things that make you happy!
Love. Ravyn. Plants. Ocean. Lizards. Money.
7. Are you Irish?
Um. Not so much.

1. Closest blue thing to you?
Pepsi bottle.
2. Are you good at calming people down?
That is so situational. Generally I’m the reason people need to calm down.
3. Do you like the sea?
Yes. I could never live where I was far from the sea.
4. What was the last thing that made you cry?
Not being able to find the salt. (Yes, people, really.)
5. Are you a logical thinker?
Not at all.
6. Can you sleep easily?
7. Do you prefer the beach or the woods?

1. Closest purple thing to you?
2. Like being treated to expensive things?
Yes. I like being spoiled.
3. Do you like mysterious things?
Depending on the mystery.
4. Favorite type of chocolate?
Hot chocolate, with liquor. Kahlua, Godiva chocolate or cappuccino, or whatever we have about that goes with chocolate.
5. Ever met anyone in royalty?
6. Are you creative?
7. Are you a lonely person?

1. Closest pink thing to you?
My dragon necklace. Yummy dichroic glass.
2. Do you like sweet things?
Yup. [Dreamer – you know the glory of Häagen Dazs Hawaiian Lehua Honey & Sweet Cream Ice Cream? I knew I loved you!]
3. Like play-fighting?
4. Are you sensitive?
5. Do you like punk music?
It can be charming.
6. What is your favorite flower?
I don’t even know.
7. Does anyone have a crush on you?
They come tumbling out of the woodwork.

1. Closest black thing to you?
My bed.
2. Do you like morbid things?
3. Do you like being underground?
Yes, actualy.
4. Are you afraid of death?
Mine? No.
5. Do you prefer neutral or vibrant colors?

That’s very mood dependant.
6. What is your worst sin?
Oh dear, I don’t even confess to priests. I might confess to Frank Warren. But I will not confess for a meme.
7. What’s your favorite text ever?
Mmmmmm…no idea.

Secrets, secrets, secrets….

People seem to me as defined by the things they don’t speak as by the things that they do.

This week I am especially touched by this card, because it very much echoes one of the main reasons that I fell so deeply and so quickly enchanted by Postsecret.

{June 5, 2007}   good morning cosmos!

Thirteen Ghosts is on, which prompts me to do two things. The first is to wonder how anyone could move into a house that is ritual magic and not expect it to end badly. The second is to share this postcard from this Sunday’s Postsecret for all of you who get here searching for zombies. The movie being on does not prompt me to watch it (I save that for “special” occasions, special defined as the right crowd of people-though I could, I suppose, watch it again to devise a drinking game. Ohhhhhhhh…the horror of the Thirteen Ghosts drinking game. “Whenever there is questionable sounding magical theory, drink. When that woman says ‘black zodiac‘ as though she expects to be taken seriously, drink twice.” Challenging to create only because the obvious, “Drink every time someone does something incredibly stupid,” will cause people to die before the movie is halfway through.)

I am (as ever) working on like three projects. One of them is updating links on this site. (Which reminds me – Molli, you’re listed now under poetry because I linked you before we started chattering at each other, but if you want I’ll move you to people. You can pick if you’d rather be poems or a person.)

The other is doing some background research for stocking the fudge and gift shop my mother and I are opening. More on this project will come later (possibly on its own page, we shall see!) but for now know that papers for a lease are being signed, and the joys of seeing to plumbing, painting, and deciding what to stock will be my joy to help with for the next few months, and after that, staffing the place will be. Please don’t misinterpret that joy as sarcasm, I am actually very glad this is coming together. I’m even looking forward to the painting. I kinda enjoy it (I did it once before for Habitat for Humanity).

Anyway, enough rambling (as I’ve rambled clear into the afternoon). You people have a wonderful day! I’m going to update the other website a bit, and perhaps wander back to ramble some more.


There will be a chatter post later too, I’m pretty sure because I have LOTS I want to say.  However, tradition demands I check out Postsecret (and because I’ve no one to to point to the screen with here, write and link for you).

This week, I will send you to two secrets.  The first is this one, which reminds me that I have quite a long way to go in that regard, but I’m getting there.  As soon as I have the chance, I will try to link to some volunteer organizations for children and get involved in some.  It has been far too long since I’ve done that.  To whoever sent that postcard (and to whoever can agree with the statement, or hopes to one day) my sincere congratulations – you’re becoming the person the world needs and dreams you will be.

The second secret is this one – I dream of being able to say that to someone.  I really, really do.  I hope that I can soon.  If not…ladies and gentlemen…I will get a papillion puppy.  Okay, I want one of those, but I’d probably adopt a rescue puppy.  I would intend to get a small one, but…I am my mother’s child, I would come home with the dog closest to being put to sleep if not adopted.  So far, those have always been good dogs.  (Patch the flying dog, for those of you who know him or know of him, is just such a dog.  And is currently sitting right by me, leaning into the screen door to be as close to me as he can.  The world would not be as beautiful if he weren’t in it.  But back to my theoretical puppy!)  It will think I am its happy ending (because puppies just do that), and if that is as close as I can get…I’ll take it.

And there we have our discussion for this morning.  🙂  Soon there will be chatterings.

This Sunday the secrets at Postsecret center on mothers.  Unsurprising.  I wasn’t sure at first I liked that idea (I am infamously unfond of holiday themes) but after the initial ‘why must everyone make an issue out of the commercialized excuse to buy cards, flowers, and gifts for mom’ thought, I loved this weeks secrets.

I have a had a…shall we say tumultuous relationship with my mother.  At least I can say we’ve never been indifferent to each other.  Healthy my family might not be, but we fail to be indifferent (and uncomplicated).  One of my poems that has always gotten the best response is my poem for my mother (initially and almost always printed in purple, her favorite color) – praise which often ends with ‘I wish I could meet her.’

Secrets kept and revealed and and gently obscured is still our relationship.  We are most at ease talking about how to trim the hibiscus, asking after the progress of the lavender.  I still haven’t told my mother I’m bisexual, though I suspect she knows.  She met my first girlfriend and really liked her, even still asks about her.  I’m hoping that my new girlfriend (new as of a year ago in July, anyway) will have a chance to visit the island and meet her, though I really don’t see them getting along.  There is a card about keeping that secret, but it doesn’t fit my mother and I, for all it touches me.

The one that I will share this time is this one.  Lately I have been intensely aware that I want to have a child.  Like, yesterday.  And while I understand that my biological clock is holding me hostage and I don’t actually need to conceive right now, I was hoping to have a baby by 30, which is actually not looking terribly likely right now (I’ve only got a little better than three years).

At any rate, that is the rambling for this Sunday.  (At least on this topic.  There may be more new posts today, I’m in process with a few.)  My best wishes to you all.  Ciao.

I know I’ve been handpicking beautiful, whimsical, and uplifting secrets for you from Postsecret, but this week I found this one. While I certainly don’t hate my parents for raising me as a Christian (Methodist, if you must know, though I’m not any longer) I do have trouble accepting the things religion (any of them, not just Christianity) can push people to do.

I might have been so struck by this card if not for last night’s stumbling on news that a 17-year-old girl was stoned to death and the recent discussions I had with my Ravyn, and remarkably enough my mother, about the Westboro Baptist Church.

But then, I might still have lingered over that card. Growing up how and where I did, I never really questioned some things I had learned. Unlike many of the people I grew up with, my parents taught me from the time I was young not to judge other people – my mother actually once said to me ‘if you’re going to hate someone, get to know them first, and hate them for a real reason.’ I will be forever grateful to them for that perspective that lets me look at people from a place without feeling threatened by what they look like, where they come from, who I might think their skin looks like. People are not their skin, their religion, or their nationality – not that any of those can’t be a part of who they are. I did not grow up in a place that believed that, and I have seen the kind of intolerance and fear not understanding that truth breeds.

Most people who know me now are amazed to learn that as outspoken and unapologetic I can be about religion and sexuality, that when I first realized I was bisexual I was so desperately clinging to the shreds of Christianity I couldn’t just let fall and some sense of belonging to the world I thought it would be better to die than to kiss another woman. I spent two years trying to pretend that I was not in love with one of my best friends (who had already told me she was interested in me, so it wasn’t like she was going to be upset about the whole thing). Looking at that postcard reminds me of two of the most awful years of my life, when I wanted nothing more than to have someone magically change me into someone people could love.

Years (about eleven of them now) and many, many tentative offerings of this information later, I am far less afraid and certainly not ashamed of being bisexual anymore. But that is in large part due to friends who all stood by me when I (finally) told them, my boss (who took it with an amazing amount of grace and no judgement at all).

Still, I suppose this morning, of all mornings I’m more horrified by the kind of hatred and violence religion can inspire. For all that it builds communities and guides many of the most amazing people I’ve met to acts of grace and compassion, I am honestly terrified of the darker side of that coin.

Okay – after that, you deserve something cute and not depressing – click here for the cuteness!

et cetera