chasing shadows again


I just keep falling off the face of the Internet.

I am still narrowing down which projects to play with and hope to have an update there soon.

I went to New Orleans with Carlos-the-Jackal and he bought me a delightful book For Neruda, For Chile which is a collection of poems written following the deaths of Pablo Neruda and Salvador Allende and the overthrowing of the government of Chile in 1973.  It seems to be a book that is hard to find (I of course walked into the store and there it was, humming softly and expectantly) and it is full of some poems best described as haunting – in the sense of both longing beauty and bloody apparitions.  I have not read all of the poems yet.  I cannot read them more than a few at a time.  They leave the sound of guns and the scent of blood and the soft, warm dampness of soil on a fresh grave in their wake.  War and death invade, twined in light and darkness and a slow cascade of syllables.  Pablo Neruda is the only poet I have begun a poem for, and finding this book prompts me to finish it.

Also – please go to see this post by Neil Gaiman.  Not because he writes glorious, glorious books (which he does).  Not because his blog is lovely to read, especially as we settle into fall and there can be mulled cider with it (which is true).  But because he has taken a stunning picture, and you should see it (it is set as the background for my laptop right now, so that I may continue to stare at it at will).


{July 24, 2008}   ~hello to the cosmos~

The internets amuse me today.

It is difficult to be lonely today – I have notes from Molli and Ashish, I have e-mails from a gollum today, I have chatters with many peoples.

It has been requested that we have a saltwater fish tank behind the bar instead of a mirror – which meets my approval.  The plans for a restaurant are in discussion – themed menus are the good!  Especially with themes like mango, chocolate, and coffee.

The internet is full of things to share!

One thing comes from the extra-adorable bunnyZombieWalk!!!

Also, Peace Day (September 21) approaches!!!  Visit the site for Peace One Day to make a commitment that is tiny-sized to galaxy-sized and get banners, e-mail signatures, and things!!!  I think I may make a pair of jeans with glued on accents in fabric (like the koi pants) for Peace Day.  The peace signs will have to be fuzzy.  Fuzzy peace sign pants!!!  Okay…moving on…..

And the internet is also still full of chocolate!

A recipe for chocolate zombie fingers (decorated chocolate-covered pretzels) from Extreme Chocolate (yes, extreme chocolate!).

Also this site mentions the existance of chocolate beer! There is a link to recipies, but nowhere to order chocolate beers!  Sooooooo…I have found some places where one can find the chocolate beers!  Shenandoah Brewing Company does chocolate donut beers (Alexandria, VA) and you can brew your own beer, which sounds pretty cool.  Mountain Sun does chocolate beer (Boulder, CO – which is closer to someone’s tall, tall city than VA, though I’m still looking for chocolate beer in Denver – will has updates) and has a beer listing that makes me wish that I was a) in Colorado and b) liked beer at all.  I want to like raspberry beer dammit!  [Totally a tangent: BEER RECIPIES – note to self, make chili with beer!]  And…Desert Edge Brewery (Salt Lake City, UT) has chocolate beers.  If I missed anyone for chocolate beers, let me know, and I will try to find the chocolate beers just for you.

EDIT: Order Young’s Double Chocolate online – Australia only!

EDIT II: Young’s Double Chocolate online

EDIT III: Arcadia “Coco Loco” Triple Chocolate online

Read about places for chocolate tastings near where I will one day return from exile.

More things will come!  For now I posts this!

if I had it
I would give you the world and all of the stars
nowhere else makes me feel beautiful
the careless smiles I get here
are not the same
as the triumphant leer of the men who buy me drinks
then try to take me to their beds
which I will leave in the morning with nothing more than what I came with
hollow and sad
as the walls which do not cradle homes
only furniture
walking through this market
feels like coming home
as if the colors and the gravel and the sky can cradle
what the shells of apartments and houses cannot
I can feel the leaves of orchids and rows of Thai silk
reach out to touch the bananas and the old books
who throw spiderwebs of their souls out to
jewelry and crepes and honey and soap
offering to hold the world
offering to hold me
though I know that the closest I will come to that promise
is the brush of fingers
as I pay for orchids and honey
the artwork and the silk and the jewels
that I wrap around me like a quilt to keep out the dark

Walking through the open air market always feels like coming home. This time before the market, we stopped at Sirius Coffee where the same man as last time made my coffee, and I swear that somehow he puts love in it. Or maybe that’s the extra chocolate. This time when I asked for a small mocha after contemplating, he negated that decision with a “how can more chocolate and more whipped cream be wrong?” He wins. I love that place. It has an internet cafe kinda thing, and one day I may go there to write to you, where I can have many mochas. If anyone reading this makes it to Pahoa and does not go in for coffee (and to read the many, many bits of paper and stickers on the counter) you are missing something you should have had. If you never make it to Pahoa, you are doing the same, but more understandably so. I understand that not everyone will fly to the islands, though much like Fuji, it is something I cannot imagine living without. There are some things, some places, that add a kind of richness to the world. I have cherished all of them I have found, though I have found few of them.

Today there were people to say hello to, people who are starting to know me. I was not going to buy honey, but my honey seller (there are two and I only buy from one – he charmed me and I think he may charm bees) had honey sticks! I still had honey for both the altar and the kitchen (and for my Ravyn, I so have to mail you your honey! Remind me!), but honey sticks! I could not say no. Anyway, he always makes me smile. And last time I was there I tasted both his new kinds of honey but didn’t buy any. 😦 I need to make money so I can buy his honey and ship it all over the earth. People who tell me what flowers the bees were eating and show me the different tastes that makes and talk to me like I’m a person should get my money. I just have to have it first.

Again, the man who sells the used books out of his truck was there, and though I have books I still looked and brought home a book on Islamic art. There are other book sellers, but this one has the unusual things, and he talks to people. He does not talk as much to me, but many people he recommends books to. I suppose he has to learn what I like first. That is where I bought Snow Falling on Cedars which I loved for its peaceful kinda sleepy longing and truth. More people should be able to use darkness to show us light. I highly recommend that book to anyone.

I brought home an orchid, who I believe is named Ishmael. He is in my room now and I smile to look at him. Delilah, the night blooming jasmine I have planted in a pot to live with me (Lucien’s sister cutting!) is here too, on the corner of my desk. So is the lumpy lemon tree I planted from a seed, who needs a name. So anyone who knows what a lemon tree might be named should tell me here. Ishmael and the lemon (who I think is also a boy) are sharing a wire basket because Ishmael is too heavy on one side and topples over.

We have a coffee plant too now, and it seems to me that the coffee, the vanilla, and the cocoa plants should all live together. But then, I’m weird. We have a few more cocoa bean I should start. I want to make a shade thing for the cuttings with some mesh, so they will not fry. I need to sort through my books and decide which will be boxed (until I have shelves, at least). And I need a table. I kinda want to make one. Then I can build in boxes to hold pens and plants!

I have to finish my resume and stuff (and do secrets!) and organize and…I’m just full of things to do. But I will leave you with quotes from the two beautiful cards I got at the market today.

“We often confuse spiritual knowledge with spiritual attainment. Spirituality is not a matter of knowing scriptures and engaging in philosophical discussions. It is a matter of heart culture, of immeasurable strength. Fearlessness is the first requisite of spirituality. Cowards can never be moral.” ~ Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi

“What is needed is a realization that power without love is reckless and abusive, and love without power is sentimental and anemic. Power at its best is love implementing the demands of justice. And justice at its best is power correcting everything that stands against love.” ~ Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr


{May 24, 2007}   Wow.

In which a plan is orchestrated for love.

Aside from the part of me that is screaming ‘but the environment!’ I am completely behind this kind of thinking.  And I would like to share something beautiful with you.  It is, at worst, no more destructive than many other beautiful and accepted things (and probably hurts the environment no more than my share of the last plane flight I took for love, really).

There will be a chatter post later too, I’m pretty sure because I have LOTS I want to say.  However, tradition demands I check out Postsecret (and because I’ve no one to to point to the screen with here, write and link for you).

This week, I will send you to two secrets.  The first is this one, which reminds me that I have quite a long way to go in that regard, but I’m getting there.  As soon as I have the chance, I will try to link to some volunteer organizations for children and get involved in some.  It has been far too long since I’ve done that.  To whoever sent that postcard (and to whoever can agree with the statement, or hopes to one day) my sincere congratulations – you’re becoming the person the world needs and dreams you will be.

The second secret is this one – I dream of being able to say that to someone.  I really, really do.  I hope that I can soon.  If not…ladies and gentlemen…I will get a papillion puppy.  Okay, I want one of those, but I’d probably adopt a rescue puppy.  I would intend to get a small one, but…I am my mother’s child, I would come home with the dog closest to being put to sleep if not adopted.  So far, those have always been good dogs.  (Patch the flying dog, for those of you who know him or know of him, is just such a dog.  And is currently sitting right by me, leaning into the screen door to be as close to me as he can.  The world would not be as beautiful if he weren’t in it.  But back to my theoretical puppy!)  It will think I am its happy ending (because puppies just do that), and if that is as close as I can get…I’ll take it.

And there we have our discussion for this morning.  🙂  Soon there will be chatterings.

{May 10, 2007}   good morning cosmos!

I am already returned from the garden. (I need a twelve step program for people who can’t help but revel in the scent of the earth.) Soon, I leave to go shopping for books. Mostly just saying hello, because that is what mornings are for.

If you need some more to read this morning….

read Be not Defeated by the Rain by Kenji Myazawa. I encountered this lovely poem on Slices of Life a kaleidoscope of poetry, pictures, musings, and rambles I am already falling in love with. I’ll end with the description of the blog actually posted there: This is a blog about magic, beauty and poetry. Actually, it’s just a blog about life. Not just any old life, but a life worth living, a life less ordinary. This blog is a reminder, for myself and for the others. Come one and all, make yourselves at home.

Molli still continues to amaze me with her poetry. Bedtime Stories is at once a poem that echoes with something primal and alive, a statement on society and the darker side of human interaction and perception, and yet another reason I am keeping my fingers crossed she picks up writing again. (Quick – peer pressure! *L* If everyone tells her how fabulous she is we can make her jump off a bridge write us more poems.)

new owners a poem by john at Freedom Melodies is a poem about the Muse that makes me want to write a poem about the Muse too, just from an opposite angle! I should change the name of this site to Reactionary Poetry: Because Kitsunes Can’t Help but be Mischievous and Get Into Everything! and call it a day. At…9:15am. Looking for chatter and not poetry from john…click here to view his other blog.

On a totally playful note (every morning should have one) who remembers watching Gummy Bears? And why didn’t anyone tell me seasons 1-3 are on DVD?

That’s all for this morning. Have a lovely day.

Sunday morning is for secrets, and has been since just after I met Frank Warren. Sunday mornings with coffee and postcards from strangers was at first my sense of connection to the world, reading secrets that could have been mine reminded me I was not as alone as I thought. Now that I’ve moved to Hawai’i, my Sunday morning ritual is all the more important – it’s one of the few things I have left of a life I ran out on a bit too quickly to wrap up loose ends. Everything about home seems unfinished and still bleeding, even three months later.

If you must read only one, I’d make it this one. While the ones that touch on pain can seem closer to me, I think I most love to share the ones that have more hope, more joy, more love. And that…that makes me fall in love with this one. That someone sent a message I feel so deeply still written on one of my favorite sculptures ever also touches me – if in entirely different and more painful ways.

Also up this week is a letter from Tina Malament, who discusses briefly her response to anorexia and the tshirts she’s made. I definitely must congratulate her on her efforts to bring more attention to what is so often a disease that is near impossible to talk about. The A(norexia) N(ervosa) and A(ssociated) D(isorders) webpage offers information on support groups, information on finding a therapist, information on anorexia and other eating disorders, and candlelight vigils.

et cetera