chasing shadows again











{February 2, 2008}   Fox!!! Where did you go???

Everywhere.

Nowhere.

I went on a vacation that was bliss and anguish, I came home with no idea what my future was to find out within the week that my grandmother was dying, my grandmother died, and I still have no idea where my life is going.

Some people do rollercoasters. I don’t always understand those people. I’ve tried, but willingly subjecting myself to falling when I already feel that way so often seems crazy. There are people who find this fun.

Anyway, I’m obsessing over memory, reading old cookbooks, downloading The L Word (specifically Season Two, Episode 1), and trying to figure out what home will be. I’ve been reading Urban Tribes by Ethan Watters. I’ve been trying to figure out what to make of my life. I’m impatient and terrified and absolutely exhilarated because even if my life is chaos I’m in love!

I’ve been having a long-running internal monologue and I haven’t been sure if I should open it up to people, or how to open it up to people, or well…anything. And then I read this post by Molly and before I lose my nerve I’m going to post this. I am going to try to open this up-but offering anything of myself up honestly and openly is hard for me. Especially when I’m not holding a direct conversation. Even more so when I’m not yet sure what I think, and don’t know how to fight to defend it.

All of the things I’m thinking would make for a huge post. Sooooooo…I’m gonna try to take this one in stages. Tomorrow is Sunday-I’ll try to reestablish Postsecret and coffee.

And talk.

I must re-learn how to let people under my skin.

I think it’s time.

P.S. – For the people who leave me hugs on the sidebar-THANK YOU! As strange as it may make me, that always makes me smile.



{January 2, 2008}   And…this is why….

….I love PostSecret!



I am in the process of bleaching my hair. The bleach that I normally use is not findable here, so I got bleach from Pop Gothic. High maintenance bleach! First it wants me to mix it, fair enough. I did that before. Then it wants me to apply it – fair enough, to work on hair it should touch hair. Then it wants me to wrap my hair in plastic and blowdry until done! Um…hello…effort? I miss my ‘apply and leave on 90 minutes’ bleach. This states I may have to blowdry my hair for 60 minutes! So…this opening is a break from blow-drying. Which I shall now resume. Back when I get tired of holding a blow dryer again!

And done with that! The dryer blew my darling little plastic turban apart. I’ll let it cool (as ordered) then rinse and shampoo and apply toning conditioner. I definitely need to switch back to my old bleach (though the color this one turned my hair in more like 25 minutes is as promising as the 90 minute time of the other one. Seriously. My old response to hair dye was to do it and hang out with people.

Who wants to come to a hair dying party? We can has hair dyes and daiquiris and maybe even manicures! Most. Fun. Ever. We can even has pre-dying lingerie shopping! Lingerie…finger sandwiches…chocolate…daiquiris…hair dye…. Movies? We could always mock porn. It seems appropriate, somehow.

I can’t wait to move back to where I have the people for that. I miss doing things like that. Immensely.

Off to rinse!

My hair is, in fact, quite pale yellow. It has toner in it, which should be rinsed out soon. Like 10-15 minutes. Meanwhile, picture for you!

The Secret: I miss the people I meet in my dreams.

The Picture:

funny pictures
moar funny pictures

I will admit…my hair is almost white. It is impressive. But…I don’t need white, only pale enough blue dye is more noticable than a highlight. Still…impressive.



It is the return of the secrets!  Not that they have been gone, I have just not been able to have words as much lately.  This week, I note this card and it brings me right back to wondering about online dating services.  (Not trying them out, I have two absolutely amazing people I’m lucky enough to be dating.  No hurry to find more.)  But to wondering about them.  There is a part of me that wonders just how that could work – I have made some damned intense connections through the online world (my Ravyn is one, in fact), but so much of how I’d choose to date is…I dunno.  Being matched on however many levels of compatibility is great – but…I think I would prefer to find out from the very beginning?  I still don’t know quite what to think.

PostSecret now has a community where you can discuss secrets and connect with other people reading secrets, listen to (or record your own) secrets, and view information on upcoming PostSecret events/books/news.   I’ve added many e-mail and messenger contacts (it’s about my only accomplishment of the morning) and will try to talk to them.  As I was writing this, one of the people I added pinged me, and our discussion so far has been lovely, and I’m enjoying it greatly as I write this post.

I may come to chatter later, but for now I leave you with a hibiscus.  🙂  I love having a camera again!

Hibiscus



when I
come back from the edge
of the world I
will bring for you
maps
seeds to grow
stars; there will be
wonders where I am going –
where you cannot
follow
guard me
against serpents
rising up like dragons
from the sea.

they will not be able
to frighten
anymore; not me –
watching them unfurl
like exotic poisoned flowers
on storm-swept decks
I will remember
not fear; but
the immortality of souls.

swallowed whole
or not
their tongues
searing flame
will trail over my skin
no more than a caress –
my love
your love
our love
will save me.

the words you
gave me
whispered in the dark
have become
armor.

Although Poetry Thursday is ended. 😦 Their site will remain up as an archive until January 2008. If you’ve been meaning to go poking through there but haven’t found the time (like me! I am a bum!), do make it soon.

Anyway, that poem is for Carlos-the-Jackal. (Carlos-the-Jackal is my favorite of your nicknames that I remember. If you want another one here, you may have it.) If he does not know why, I will be forced to bat at him when I visit this winter. (As both a hint and a message – thank you again for the book.) I felt like playing with line breaks and punctuation. Carlos-the-Jackal always did like it when I tried new things. I’ll try in Word too, where I can play more with the spacing of lines horizontally. WordPress gremlins eat my spaces! (If I manage, I will bring it when I come home. Or perhaps entrust it to the mail.)



{October 24, 2007}   Good Morning Cosmos!

 

Tulip Tree

Good morning!  There are ten minutes left of it.

Look!  A picture!  I took this one with the new camera.  While standing on two separate plant boxes and almost broke my neck approximately 38.6 times.  But I thought that we were long overdue some pictures.  [Lucien pictures are coming Molli, I just need to get a post with him and his pineapple friends arranged!]

I spent the morning reading through Tina’s blog.

Last night,when I almost updated and then didn’t, I was contemplating putting out an open account of what was going on with me, and shrank back.  For several reasons, one of which is that I have tried to keep from whining on this blog.  I’ve posted poetry and links to meaningful things that are not always cheerful, but I have tried to keep the overall theme here playful.  And the second is that as much as I think I’m reaching a place where I have to express where I am, I am reluctant to do that.  So…I’m debating putting things here, or putting things on another blog, or not talking about it at all for the Internet to view, or whatever it is I will do.

Anyway – Tina’s blog is an amazingly open and primal kind of view of depression and anorexia.  It is not just ranting, but is full of little bits of helpful information on how one person lives with depression and anorexia, some of which are probably helpful to see.  Most importantly, at least to me, its a kind of affirmation that I am not the only person who has been or still goes through these things.  Sometimes, that kind of affirmation is much appreciated.  As it was at eight this morning, when the thought I would have to make a grocery list was entirely overwhelming.  [It’s 12:05 now, and I’m still working on it.  But, partly that is due to the fact that I am searching for recipes, which I will of course share.]

One such recipe, which looks absolutely amazing is this recipe for Panang Curry Beef!  It comes complete with family story.  There is also a vegetarian take on that recipe, that also talks story, this time a dinner party one.  Also on the list for this week is this impossibly easy baked macaroni and cheese.   I shall add Anglo-Indian Curried Soup and do a pot roast.  Yes, half the reason this post exists is to hold my recipes for this week where I can find them.  I have yet to lose WordPress.

Enough ramblings for now.  I shall finish grocery lists and compress pictures of the garden for you.

Have a wonderful day peoples!



{September 1, 2007}   and sometimes also

And sometimes also that cotton candy soul tearing will happen.  But life will still be indescribably beautiful.  Even while you’re crying, trying simultaneously to listen to your ex-fiancee breathing and hang up the phone.

And get over the fact that you just responded to “tell me a story” with the plot synopsis of Chill Out Scooby-Doo!.

Or the fact that you’re still in love with him.

Falling in love with more than one person at once is not as easy as it looks – it is both a thousand times more complicated and a thousand times more simple.  It is a raindrop falling into the ocean and a fractal pattern of light and an unending number kinda thing like Pi.  Strawberry.  Strawberry Pi.



{September 1, 2007}   sometimes

Sometimes, I remember that love can wash the colors in the sunset clean.

I bought rose-colored glasses.

I have orchids that are pink, and a toe-ring that is a heart shot through with an arrow.

I am in love with such depth that it could tear my soul apart like cotton candy. Instead, love makes the world seem suddenly infinitely more precious.

This.

This is why I live.  Even now, when I can hardly remember who I am, this reminds me.

I am in love. It’s all been worth it. It all will be.



As always, walking through the market makes me whole again. This market was the Hilo Farmers’ Market and was complimented by a stroll along the Bayfront shops. The first stop of real interest (defined as where I bought something) was the tobacco shop where I found cloves (Djarum Blacks) and while looking for those found something else from Djarum (do they make things I don’t like? Not that I’ve ever tasted!) Spice Islands Cigarillos (baby cigars!). I have never had a baby cigar (or even a grown up cigar) but Jason likes cigars and I hear generally good things. However, I would have to try to come up with a way to not look like a goof with a cigar grown up enough to have babies. These tiny cigars that smell like clove and vanilla and lust just might be my compromise.

After the tobacco shop (Where I got carded! People – I’m 26!) I proceeded to the the market by way of about four other shops. I saw some gorgeous coffee and tea sets (I am a home things addict and I want a nest! Now! My baby clock has confused itself with the countdown timer on a bomb!) which I passed only because I both had not enough money with me and had nowhere to keep them.

At the market, everyone wanted me to come see their things! If I keep walking, I’m not buying, and they have this habit of meeting my eyes. This is my undoing. I HAVE to acknowledge everyone who meets my eyes. I look. They look. I smile. They smile. I nod. They say hi. Now it’s escalated and I’ve already had to stop walking so I might as well look at their stuff. I deliberately carry under $40.00 to the market, because if I carried $4,000.00 I would still spend it all. I am in love with all things handmade, set in silver, made of Thai silk, or offered by a real human being and not a full on advertising campaign. I cry when tiny, locally owned stores are bulldozed for Walmarts.

This time at the market I got delicious soap in vanilla (Gentle Earth Vanilla) which is heavenly. I also got orchid soap, which smells amazing. If you need soaps….check these people out! The only way they could be better is if they also had chocolate soap. Which I will suggest next I see them. Yes – see! Because I met the person who makes the soap. She smiled at me. Clearly her soap would smile if it could! Fox, you say, this is no way to judge soap. To which I can only respond, this soap is fantastic, just like I knew it would be.

I also picked up a chocolate scented orchid. This is also like heaven.

There was a time I loved floral scents, but lately, this last year or so, it’s vanilla, chocolate, and spice. That’s what I want to smell like. That is what I want people to remember me when they smell. Smell is very linked to memory. Strawberries and champagne is not me. Please god, let people not associate me with freesia (which scent I wore for years as a teenager, actually). I want to be rum and death by chocolate mousse. Vanilla. I’ll take Grand Marnier.

Hello universe. I think that your fox has come home to you.



et cetera